My son called me today and in the course of the conversation, my son called into question my dependability. Now at my age I can forget, for a day but it never caused late fees or any other repercussions. To be honest I have been making lists of things to do for several years. That is why I set the day to do things a couple of days in advance in case life or my memory get in the way.
My initial reaction was to get a little pissy, but then it crash landed on my head. I have my son, alive, to get pissy with. He is doing pretty good all things considered. I am proud of him, but if you read one of the previous posts, it's waiting for the other shoe to fall and praying to our higher power that it doesn't.
I would like to tell addicts that as far down in their addiction they went, so did their families. There are days that I am taking it one minute at a time. Some days are pretty stable, then others are a rollercoaster ride, then some are a combination of both.. It isn't so much as to what happens, but the emotional reactions to what happens. There have literally been days where I was so proud one minute and ready to reach through the phone and shake the shit out of one of my kids the next.
Other emotions range from fear for your child to sorrow that they are walking this path and as adults there is very little I can do. Thoughts run through your head what can I do, what should I do as a parent and finally what should I do as a responsible citizen. Yes, I have turned my son in. In all honesty I cannot claim it was tough love. I was trying to get him off the street. As my kids would say, "that's messed up."
The only thing I hope we can accomplish upon recovery is to remember the times we all got frustrated, angry, or hurt but we were still there in the end. We all made it, maybe a little battered and bruised but in tact and a family. The only way I know to get there is to try and be patient with my kids and husband. Keep up with my quiet time so I can process information. I am currently going to be doing the yard work and a garden.
During all the outside time, the dogs love it. This gives me time to work on their obedience and boundaries. Since all the yard work and things, I hope to post at least on Friday's. That is a day I have given myself permission to take the day for me...somewhat anyway.
Sincerely
Love and Prayers to you all
Katie
Friday, May 26, 2017
Monday, May 22, 2017
Meanwhile Back at the Farm
Well it looks like my husband will have to have 2 surgeries. One on his back and one on his shoulder. There were a lot of other things that we had planned on doing...this wasn't one of them. Unfortunately, one of the surgeries will be slow recovery time. It seems like if it's not one thing it's ten others sometimes.
My children continue to be in my prayers. I pray the higher power will open their hearts and give them the strength they need for success. Understand I am no theocrat and in no way judgmental in who or what you believe in. I'm just happy if you have something to believe in. As their mom, I always celebrate their victories and am devastated if they fail. I don't always voice my joy, I admit I am waiting for the other shoe to fall, for things to go terribly wrong again. My reactions to failure have ranged from tears to anger, and even snide comments by me. Through it all I can only say for any certainty that I am evolving as a person. I will continue to have successes and my own failures and I hope my kids can bear with me. My love never diminished, my belief in your ability to beat this addiction never waivered, but my trust in you has been crumbled and will take time to rebuild.
Sincerely
Katie
My children continue to be in my prayers. I pray the higher power will open their hearts and give them the strength they need for success. Understand I am no theocrat and in no way judgmental in who or what you believe in. I'm just happy if you have something to believe in. As their mom, I always celebrate their victories and am devastated if they fail. I don't always voice my joy, I admit I am waiting for the other shoe to fall, for things to go terribly wrong again. My reactions to failure have ranged from tears to anger, and even snide comments by me. Through it all I can only say for any certainty that I am evolving as a person. I will continue to have successes and my own failures and I hope my kids can bear with me. My love never diminished, my belief in your ability to beat this addiction never waivered, but my trust in you has been crumbled and will take time to rebuild.
Sincerely
Katie
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Today
Today both of my children are doing a treatment of sorts. With my 1st child, I have not heard from her in several months. She called and is 3 weeks off heroin as of last night she was having some emotional issues. She wanted to get off the phone to get herself under control. I still haven't heard back from her and I can tell you that I am more than a little worried.
At his point in her recovery, I don't know if I should continue to call or give her space to breathe. Last evening she asked me to tell her that I loved her. Well, I can assure you I do love her. The only thing we wish for her is a safe place and people around her who love and uplift her. She has that from what I understand. There is a friend and they are working together to get off heroin.
The process of getting off heroin is pretty brutal and she is taking Saboxin (I have no idea if that is spelled right). Seizures are the worst. So at this point I have no idea if she is having a medical issue or if she has relapsed or just needs time to reflect on what is going on. If she has relapsed, I still love my daughter and will be there for her when she calls.
No, I can't give money because of the trust issues between us. But, I can be there to listen. Right now I don't really think we can talk about some things; I feel that there is some emotional healing that she needs before w can go there. Mind you I have no idea if I'm correct in that feeling. It just makes sense to me that she would need to feel stronger emotionally to deal with her feelings.
My son is in an outpatient treatment program, actually I think he is dealing with more mental health issues than addiction. I mean it's all interconnected, but he hasn't used anything in about 2 months. He has an apartment and job he enjoys. It is my sincere hope that he will use this time to deal with triggers and how to cope with them. We talk, actually he has been calling his dad more. But I will listen to him if he needs to talk.
My kids mean the world to me and I pray everyday that their lives will get better. If it does, it will be due to their hard work.
Sincerely,
Katie
At his point in her recovery, I don't know if I should continue to call or give her space to breathe. Last evening she asked me to tell her that I loved her. Well, I can assure you I do love her. The only thing we wish for her is a safe place and people around her who love and uplift her. She has that from what I understand. There is a friend and they are working together to get off heroin.
The process of getting off heroin is pretty brutal and she is taking Saboxin (I have no idea if that is spelled right). Seizures are the worst. So at this point I have no idea if she is having a medical issue or if she has relapsed or just needs time to reflect on what is going on. If she has relapsed, I still love my daughter and will be there for her when she calls.
No, I can't give money because of the trust issues between us. But, I can be there to listen. Right now I don't really think we can talk about some things; I feel that there is some emotional healing that she needs before w can go there. Mind you I have no idea if I'm correct in that feeling. It just makes sense to me that she would need to feel stronger emotionally to deal with her feelings.
My son is in an outpatient treatment program, actually I think he is dealing with more mental health issues than addiction. I mean it's all interconnected, but he hasn't used anything in about 2 months. He has an apartment and job he enjoys. It is my sincere hope that he will use this time to deal with triggers and how to cope with them. We talk, actually he has been calling his dad more. But I will listen to him if he needs to talk.
My kids mean the world to me and I pray everyday that their lives will get better. If it does, it will be due to their hard work.
Sincerely,
Katie
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Communication
I have been thinking about this blog and how much to share. One of the last posts talked about my relationship with my husband. After much consideration, I have decided that so much of what we experience shape how we react to one another. There are days when I am not fit company for man nor beast and he has those days too. Then when you have addiction issues crop up, it can't help but impact your other relationships.
One day several years ago now, my husband and I were at odds with each other. He finally blurted out that many years before that I had told our child that they didn't have to listen to him. Well that isn't exactly what I said. I said that they didn't have to listen to him, BUT be prepared to be in trouble all the time. Of course that child was living at home and in school, but that and several other miss queues and we now are each others witnesses, i.e. we may not choose to talk but we do listen to the conversations.
Communication is a huge issue. There have been times when I have been so upset with my husband, and the last paragraph shows that my husband has felt the same, that I could have choked him. When your child is calling with another creative reason to get money, or they are in jail, it's kind of hard to hear what is being said with so many voices floating around in your mind. Just from my own experience, I can't talk it through right in the moment, I need time to process. My husband and I have talked about our differing needs. I won't at we get it right all the time but it is working much better.
One day several years ago now, my husband and I were at odds with each other. He finally blurted out that many years before that I had told our child that they didn't have to listen to him. Well that isn't exactly what I said. I said that they didn't have to listen to him, BUT be prepared to be in trouble all the time. Of course that child was living at home and in school, but that and several other miss queues and we now are each others witnesses, i.e. we may not choose to talk but we do listen to the conversations.
Communication is a huge issue. There have been times when I have been so upset with my husband, and the last paragraph shows that my husband has felt the same, that I could have choked him. When your child is calling with another creative reason to get money, or they are in jail, it's kind of hard to hear what is being said with so many voices floating around in your mind. Just from my own experience, I can't talk it through right in the moment, I need time to process. My husband and I have talked about our differing needs. I won't at we get it right all the time but it is working much better.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Find Some Joy Today
Well I got confirmation that some of my worst fears were happening with my oldest child. I was prepared for a phone call that hasn't happened yet. At the same time there is a difference between suspecting something is true and knowing it to be fact. I suppose it is a form of denial. There is also a certain amount of depression that goes with it. At this point the remedy is more playing with the dogs and I have my granddaughter with me.
One thing I have learned on this journey, is to take the joy where you can get it. My granddaughter is so fun, we are setting up a playhouse. At night we take a spa, last night we used a mud mask...she is 4, almost 5. Her manners are coming along wonderfully. Yesterday evening, she needed to interrupt a conversation and remembered to say excuse me...YES! After our spa we get into bed and watch Rugrats. No, we don't always get to bed on time...OK rarely do we get to bed on time, but we shut it down by 10:30. We have also come up with my super-duper margaritas for 4 and 5 year olds. The sauce is Sprite mixed half and half with the margarita mix. I hope it's a no-brainer, but, NO Tequila.
There are sounds of waking up from the bedroom. That means breakfast soon. I hope you all can find some joy today.
Katie
One thing I have learned on this journey, is to take the joy where you can get it. My granddaughter is so fun, we are setting up a playhouse. At night we take a spa, last night we used a mud mask...she is 4, almost 5. Her manners are coming along wonderfully. Yesterday evening, she needed to interrupt a conversation and remembered to say excuse me...YES! After our spa we get into bed and watch Rugrats. No, we don't always get to bed on time...OK rarely do we get to bed on time, but we shut it down by 10:30. We have also come up with my super-duper margaritas for 4 and 5 year olds. The sauce is Sprite mixed half and half with the margarita mix. I hope it's a no-brainer, but, NO Tequila.
There are sounds of waking up from the bedroom. That means breakfast soon. I hope you all can find some joy today.
Katie
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Life Goes On And/Or Stepping Back
Then:
I got interrupted trying to spend time with my husband. I'm going to have to be blunt with him. Poor things has a chronic medical issue and doesn't handle stress very well. And even if he weren't disabled, we would have to still try to work on our relationship. I nee my alone time too. I can process things much faster this way. I get tired easily and the stress doesn't help.
No word from one child. The other, in treatment, called and was pretty shitty on the phone. That child wasn't going to call us again. That lasted until the next morning and again that evening. The call was a bit more cordial. I am choosing to let my husband handle the phone calls. I just let him know that I am at my BS limit.
Now:
This was my 1st lesson in just stepping away. It was the 1st time that I have actually had the time to process the information and go through the emotional. I do realize that the only person that was stopping me was me. Of course, many people are dealing with aged parents and young adult children. The luxury of time to process just isn't available. So we try to reason through it, but reason and common sense goes right out the window when dealing with addiction. That isn't to say that I have left my husband hanging out there on his own. We do listen to the conversation, whether or not we wish to participate. My husband and I know what the other has said and it can't be taken out of context or used as insinuations.
My husband and I do try to make time for each other. Right now it's Dr. appointments. We try to laugh at things life throws at us. I know my husband is a complete goober sometimes, but he is MY goober. Partners will understand that last comment. I actually debated whether or not to put this in the blog, but we do have other relationships that we need to nourish. It occurred to me that I'm not the only one dealing with this either and it might help someone to see my own journey with my partner too. I suppose this was my 2nd lesson for this session.
I got interrupted trying to spend time with my husband. I'm going to have to be blunt with him. Poor things has a chronic medical issue and doesn't handle stress very well. And even if he weren't disabled, we would have to still try to work on our relationship. I nee my alone time too. I can process things much faster this way. I get tired easily and the stress doesn't help.
No word from one child. The other, in treatment, called and was pretty shitty on the phone. That child wasn't going to call us again. That lasted until the next morning and again that evening. The call was a bit more cordial. I am choosing to let my husband handle the phone calls. I just let him know that I am at my BS limit.
Now:
This was my 1st lesson in just stepping away. It was the 1st time that I have actually had the time to process the information and go through the emotional. I do realize that the only person that was stopping me was me. Of course, many people are dealing with aged parents and young adult children. The luxury of time to process just isn't available. So we try to reason through it, but reason and common sense goes right out the window when dealing with addiction. That isn't to say that I have left my husband hanging out there on his own. We do listen to the conversation, whether or not we wish to participate. My husband and I know what the other has said and it can't be taken out of context or used as insinuations.
My husband and I do try to make time for each other. Right now it's Dr. appointments. We try to laugh at things life throws at us. I know my husband is a complete goober sometimes, but he is MY goober. Partners will understand that last comment. I actually debated whether or not to put this in the blog, but we do have other relationships that we need to nourish. It occurred to me that I'm not the only one dealing with this either and it might help someone to see my own journey with my partner too. I suppose this was my 2nd lesson for this session.
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